Okay, let's face some of my numerous contradictions here :
I've been raging about this kind of entry, yet I've been kind of appealed by the idea of making one.
I don't like to unveil too much stuff about myself, yet I can't prevent myself from doing it.
I think MBTI and enneagram and such are bullshit yet they're so addictive.
But well, here I am finally, making this entry because I'm always very interested to see how I can be seen through various lenses. Gonna give some typing material and maybe get some feedback.
I've tried several times to make this organized enough and divided into relevent categories but I kept redefining it so fuck that :
- I think all the time. Feels obvious to me but I really never stop thinking and thinking no matter the situation.
- I have a kind of layered thinking : for example: in given situation, I'll be thinking of what I do and the informations I receive, another layer will be thinking of deeper connections and stuff I can get from current situation, another layer will be developping a line of thought that has no connection whatsoever with what's in front of me, and a last one will be objecting to any flaw they see in the other thinkings.That translates to a totally non-linear thinking, like it feels ramified, to sum it up. Anyway, it's how I feel about my cognition and I might be biased, and also my chronic depressions seem to make my intellectual ability decrease.
- I have a defiance towards symbols, because of my endless questionning of universality : by being relativist, I end up wondering if there are trully shared conceptions among humanity, that would exceed culture and individuality.
- I am extremely frustrated by my inability to unify my inner worldviews and understandings, like, into a theory of everything. In the end, I have several layers of comprehension, like lenses, through which I see the world, switching between them.
- I spend a lot of time reflecting upon a lot of meaningless stuff, overanalyzing things. I tend to be very epistemological in my reflections, questionning the basis of the ways I understand, questionning the foundations of my thought and views.
- I am often disappointed by my reflections in the sense that they often concern problems I feel like having solved already, and I'd want them to be more groundbreaking, visions and insights that would shake conceptions.
- I am literally obsessed by the truth, in the sense that I've always, always feared being wrong, hence why I question so much stuff. Having come to conclusion that nothing matters at all from an objective point of view, I am obliged to accept compromises to keep my layers of worldview functioning and not just kill myself.
- I have deep feelings but I have a lot of trouble handling them, understanding them, so I tend to try to reject them.
- I am a big romantic – or at least I was, I feel like I've gotten disabused in this field lately.
- I've always felt misunderstood and I still do.
- My empathy is rather intellectual, I mentally put myself in people's shoes but not necessarily take that as an important input.
- Expressing myself, my values and feelings is a lot easier through art and stories.
- I have strong social phobia.
- I find social interaction often very exhausting, especially irl. Text interaction is the easiest for me.
- When I'm in public, I tend to be all other the place, putting myself in a kind of "mad scientist" role or such, because it feels like not being myself is protective.
- I like to make jokes and all.
- I try to act nice when I can but I often have a kind of cold attitude.
- I can rant about the subjects I love for hours.
- My favourite type of interaction is by far creative or philosophical discussion, if I feel a cognitive resonance with someone.
- I often see people as what they can provide me before ackowledging them as individuals of their own.
- I am very individualistic and often act repulsive towards "group thinking"
- Drawing has always been the most natural thing for me to do. I started when I was around 3 or 4 and never stopped.
- I have polymathic ambitions, even knowing that I won't ever be able to master a crazy amount of stuff and that in the end I'll have to focus on some things.
- I always had either artistic or scientific ambitions, hesitating between the two. The two professions I've been the most interested in are paleontologist and game artist.
- I love reading, informative stuff, fiction, a lot of things. I like to learn, I often feel like having the widest inner knowledge will help my general thinking with more numerous references, may them be inconscious.
- I've always hated sports until highschool, when I came to kind of like some stuff. I am a martial art teacher now and I enjoy doing parkour.
(I do think personality changes over time (to re-word it : static types=bullshit) but some might find interest in informations about my childhood in the process of typing:)
- I've been told that I always had very observant and analytic eyes, even when very young.
- When I was a child, I was a lot more reckless than now, eating random stuff, trying random things, climbing up cliffs, stuff like that.
- In direct relationship with the last subject, it was when I was around 10 that I suddenly had a deep realisation of what death means within my paradigm, ergo the end of all things, the absolute nothingness. I spent 3 days straight of panic attack, and afterwards, for a logn time, I wasn't able to handle, let's say, the death of one virtual soldier in a video game, always putting myself in their shoes and contemplating the eternal loss of their dreams, identity ambition, world. I'll come back to empathy later.
- Kid Khel always has been atheist. I'd hear stories and stuff about the Bible and God and just consider it like some low tier Lord of the Rings with a shit ton of inconsistencies. When I was in catholic primary school, I'd ironically pray Zeus as a reaction.
- I have been told at a very young age that I was intellectually gifted, 145 IQ, all that, and it certainly forged some of my personality. I had an elitist phase when I considered everyone inferior to me, and I still have a good reserve of intellectual arrogance though I try to not express it.
- Kid Khel either played in his corner imagining he was leading armies and facing dragons and stuff (99% of the time), or was the one who proposed the idea of the game everyone would play and acted as the leader.
- Kid Khel always had a very defiant attitude towards his future self, knowing that he had been very versatile in terms of personality, considering his future self to be someone else. Adult Khel still does.